Sailboats, Armstrong Beach, North Bay, Ontario Watercolour by Linda Paupst who is sailing through life’s decades and milestones.
“I just want to thank you for bring such a good friend that you that you could tell me to stop whining, and obsessing about my upcoming birthday. Seriously, thank you. I am over it. It is done.”
I emailed this to a dear friend this morning, after we had talked on the phone last evening.
I have indeed been obsessing about my fast approaching 70th birthday. Daphne said, “You are still alive. Enjoy it. You could be dead in three weeks.”
The mind can do ridiculous things to us. Logically, I know that every day above ground is a good one. But the time when I leave this life is approaching at warp speed. This was eating at me. Not fear of death. But fear of loss of life.
I never worried about turning 40, as many do, but for some reason 45 hit hard. I remember sitting on the toilet, crying the loud, sobbing cry, for what seemed like forever. My thirteen year old son heard me, came in, sat on my lap and put his arms around me. At that moment I felt such gratitude, such love.
Five years later, I knew I could not wake up in my own bed on the morning of my 50th birthday. I took off to London and Glasgow. I felt as tho I had to spread my wings after decades of being at home raising my five fabulous children. I loved doing that but suddenly, realizing more than half my life was over, I felt in my bones I had to pile up memories for my old age, do something more, something new.
At 65 I felt fabulous. My children were grown, successful, happy with families, careers, and I was enjoying a job that involved a bit of travel, meeting new people, in a word – adventure. But then the notice came from the government telling me, unequivocally, that I was OLD. They were about to begin sending my OLD AGE SECURITY cheques. Now, I appreciate the coin, but really – can’t they come up with a better name??!!!
So, here I am, once more, hitting another milestone, another decade. And I am glad I am alive to hit it. Promise to self … I am turning off the negativity, the whining (as Daphne said). Onward … to enjoy the wonders ahead.
I am writing this on my porch, on a sunny day, knowing I have good friends and family that love me. I can hear the noise of the waves from nearby Georgian Bay crashing onto the shore, the breeze is gently blowing my hair across my face. My dog is lying beside me. I can hear friendly chatter of neighbours, as dappled sun and shade from our mature maple and locust trees cast lovely patterns on the grass and porch. Birds chirp. One lone blossom from two orchid plants, smiles down at me. She knows exactly how I feel. And I am as content as I have ever been.
So, readers, fellow bloggers, have I hit a chord with any of you?
I look to you to remind me if I go off course; meander away from my promise to self.